Oh my fuck.
Fuck.
I just did it.
I just reblogged something to my regular blog.
It wasn’t up long, but I hope not many people saw it.
Shit.
I have such a terrible relationship with sleep. I really need to stop avoiding it like the plague. I need to just confront my fears and get back into a normal sleeping pattern.
naughtydreamer asked: Are you alright?
Sorry its taken me so long to get back. Been going through quite a few adjustments lately. I’m…getting there. I’ve certainly been much worse, I appreciate your concern.
forever paranoid that I annoy every person I talk to
(Source: aldorain)
no i am actually really terrified that no one will ever fall in love with me
(Source: dracosmission)
Recovery is Beautiful: LIST OF REASONS FOR RECOVERY:
LIFE / LIVING
-I want to be able to go back to college and work.
-I want to be successful and have a good job someday.
-I want to be able to help others with this someday.
-I don’t want to be a bad example to others.
-I don’t want to miss out on anymore of life.
-I want to be able to truly live my life not just exist.
-I want to be able to feel excitement, enthusiasm, and a passion for life again.
-I want to be able to live in the moment and have fun again.
-I don’t want to worry about planning my days based around food every single day.
-I don’t want my success / accomplishment / failure / disappointment of the day to be based on how much I ate.
-I don’t ever want to go into treatment or a hospital for eating disorder reasons ever again.
-I don’t ever want another feeding tube or IV in me ever again. Those are painful.
-I don’t want my parents to have to spend anymore money for treatment especially because they have already spent a lot.
-I want my old self back and I know others do as well. This disorder has just made me a shell of what I used to be.
-I don’t want to be remembered only for what I weighed or what size I was.
-I don’t want to be laying on my death bed looking back on my life and feeling disappointed that I wasted it in an eating disorder.
-I don’t want exist in misery or die. Those are the only two options other than recovery.
PHYSICAL OR APPEARANCE RELATED
-I need to get my period back. (It’s not good at all that I’ve only had like 2 during the last 4 years.)
-I don’t want osteoporosis. (If I don’t have it already? I haven’t had a bone density scan in like 3 years.)
-I may want a family someday.
-I don’t want to pass my behaviors or false food/weight beliefs on to my possible children.
-I want to be able wear cute clothes again and have some idea of what I look like.
-I don’t want the size of my clothing or my weight to make such an impact on my mood every day.
-I don’t want to constantly feel “fat” anymore, regardless of my weight or size.
-I want to feel comfortable with my body at my set-point.
-I don’t want to mess up my set-point or metabolism anymore.
-I want to be able to sleep better.
-I want to be warmer.
-I want my hair to be thicker and shinier and my skin to glow.
-I want some cushion for when I am sitting or laying down.
-I don’t want to feel constantly deprived anymore.
-I want my stomach to start digesting like normal again.
-I don’t want to constantly feel weak and it taking a lot of effort just to move.
-I don’t want random body parts falling asleep or turning blue throughout the day.
-I want to be able to wake up in the morning, feeling refreshed and energized
-I don’t want my whole entire body to ache anymore.
-I want more muscle.
-I want to have the strength to do more with my body, like dance.
-I want more energy and be able to channel it into something worthwhile.
-I need to reverse the damage I’ve done to my body.
-I don’t want to feel like I’m about to die anymore.
-I don’t want to pass out and spend nights in the emergency room anymore.
-My body apparently had started to eat my heart muscle, and that is not ok.
-I never want to be so close to death again (&SO unexpectedly) and have my life flash before my eyes. It is TERRIFYING. Not just for myself, but imagining my parents having to find me dead& having to plan a funeral, etc.MENTAL
-I don’t want my thinking to be blurry or concentrated on ed things every day.
-I want to be able to use my brain to its full potential.
-I want my mind to be able to grow. This disorder keeps me stuck in time.
-I want to be happier and feel more at peace with myself.
-I don’t want to live in self-disgust, shame, or guilt constantly over just eating or simply being myself.
-I want to truly be able to enjoy food and eating again without the guilt.
-I am sick of the constant mental battle over things like whether to eat an apple or not or getting mad at my self for eating an extra cracker.
-I want to be able to trust my body again and be able to listen to its biological need for food/energy/nourishment & allow it to get to my natural weight. If I could do this, I know I would feel more “in control” than the eating disorder makes me feel.
RELATIONSHIPS
-I want to be “present” in my relationships with others.
-I don’t want to upset others anymore or let them down.
-I don’t want to get in stupid arguments with my parents over food/weight anymore.
-I am sick of comments on my weight or what I am eating.
-I want to have good friends again and not worry about eating with them.
-I want to feel somewhat “normal” and not alone and different from everyone else.
-I don’t want to isolate myself anymore and be so lonely.
-I might want to get married someday. I won’t find anyone if I continue this.
-I want to be able to eat out with people at restaurants or at movies or be able to get Starbucks or ice cream and not worry about the effects of it or be something I dread doing.
-I want eating out to be a fun, enjoyable, social event like it used to be.
-I want to travel without having to worry about the food.
-I don’t want to be judged anymore based on my eating disorder by those who don’t understand.
-I want to be able to communicate more directly and in a way that people can understand instead of a way they won’t be able to (through my body).(Source: http://www.hungertorecover.com/recoveryselfhelp.htm)
